Stuck in Reality
by Alithea
Summary: Takes place in and around Detective Comics #862. Helena wants Barbara and Renee to talk, but talking is hard when there are unresolved moments and false expectations standing in the way. F/F content.


**Title: Stuck in Reality**  
**Rating: PG-13**  
**F/F content**  
**Characters are not mine I am just borrowing.**  
**Poetry is mine.**  
**A/N: Originally written for Yuri Challenge on Live Journal.**

"You looked better with long hair," Barbara Gordon said suddenly after she and the woman next to her had been trapped in silence for nearly ten minutes. The woman standing near her wheelchair crossed her arms over her chest and shook her head.

"It's easier this way."

"Is it?" Barbara pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose and leaned forward in her chair. She took in a deep breath and then asked, "Are you over it yet?"

"No."

"Renee-"

"Does your father know about this?"

Barbara grinned and nodded. Renee huffed and leaned into the wall, shutting her eyes against the implications of the statement.

"It's a recent development," Barbara relayed. "Besides, you don't have much room to question. What would he say to your-"

"I don't really care." Renee said, lying, and then added in a whisper, "She's doing this on purpose."

"Yes," Barbara replied quickly. She grimaced and brushed away invisible strands of red hair from her face. "You two seem…close."

Renee resumed her stance and pushed off the wall to stand closer to the wheelchair. She ran her hands through her hair and then changed the subject, "Thank you for helping us."

"You're really bad at this, you know?"

"Am I?"

"Yes," Barbara said. "It's very likely Helena will make this the longest bathroom trip in existence because she wants us to talk. So we should probably give it an honest go. She's stubborn like that."

"She's a pain in the ass," Renee said softly and then muttered something in Spanish, Dominican slang. "Helena is a good friend, and we are close."

"But not dating?"

"No."

Barbara Gordon nodded and then said, "She's so…" She trailed off and then said, "Renee, you're a good detective. You were a great cop. But you-"

Renee stepped around to stare down at the redhead and said, "I already let you know. I'm not one of your birds. Not in any sense."

"And that's fine. I don't expect you to be."

"Then why?"

"Because, we used to be okay you and I."

Renee shook her head and turned to walk away. "I have to jet."

Barbara nodded and watched Renee walk off.

"That didn't go well."

Barbara turned and saw Helena returning. She rolled her eyes.

"Why do I have a feeling I'm missing something," Helena asked.

"Because… because you are."

_When we were young  
__Before we were heroes  
__We used to know what we wanted  
__We used to know what we needed  
__Now we chase down every dark spectre  
__Now we race down dark paths  
__And now…  
__We are older  
__We call ourselves heroes  
__Dreams lay dead at our feet  
__Masks cover our faces  
__And every love we knew  
__At every turn we take into the dark  
__Seems to abandon all hope  
__Seems to cry for what we've lost  
__Before we were heroes  
__When we were young_

I have a photographic memory, and it is a blessing, and it is the biggest curse. I don't forget. Every event sticks to me like glue and the emotions that went with those events are easily recalled. People wonder why I have such a hard time letting go of things, why twinges of jealousy remain when I see ex-lovers getting cozy with each other. But the answer is so simple. It's because I can never forget how it felt to gain and lose such loves.

Helena and I have come to an understanding about things, but this isn't about Helena, even if she is the catalyst. This is about an officer I knew. This is about a good cop. This is about Renee Montoya.

I met her for the first time on an autumn day. She was being chewed out by Bullock for being late. She took his rough manner better than any officer I have ever seen. She seemed to be able to direct that gruff exterior and that's probably why she and Bullock were made partners.

What I remember most about meeting her was her uniform collar and a very specific shade of red lipstick that the dry cleaners missed, staining a portion of fabric near the back of her neck. She was beautiful and clever. A girl with a secret, and being someone with a secret as well, even more secrets than I knew at the time, I felt connected to her. She'd never really know it, not until it was too late.

_I see you  
__I've seen you  
__We pass on the street  
__And I wonder  
__Do you see me too  
__I see you  
__I've seen you  
__You try to act discreet  
__And I wonder  
__Do you see me too  
__Trying to pretend I'm one of the elite_

"Would you like to-"

"It was a bad idea, Helena," Renee cut in. She braced the phone against her ear and said, "What were you thinking?"

"Maybe I wasn't. It's a problem I have from time to time." There was a pause on the other end and then Helena said, "You should have told me. She and I have a rickety friendship as it is."

"There's nothing to tell." Renee hung up the phone and went to lie down on her hotel bed. She took a breath and then got up, grabbed her jacket, and went out looking for a fight.

_I don't belong in this world of yours  
__It's bright and garish  
__For all I've learned  
__For all I've struggled with  
__All I've lost and regained  
__I can never be who I used to be  
__I can never be that woman  
__That woman you think you see_

No Man's Land was a trap for me. I was stuck in a chair, and all I could do was track things via computer. Try to understand the basics of the situation by gathering information through informants, and at the same time I had to deal with knowing that Helena was wearing a bat suit. And it felt like she had stolen everything I ever was from me.

Few stayed behind to fight for the city with my father, but Renee Montoya was one of the few. She did a lot to help my father. She put herself in harm's way, and found herself suddenly the object of Two-Face's affections. I think that's when it starts sometimes, the need to wear a mask. The world becomes dark and you start to become dark as well. As Batgirl I played in the night but reached for the light. I often wonder if Renee saw the dark and jumped right in because all the light around her seemed to disappear.

Renee Montoya would visit me every so often back in those dark days. She was still lighter, young, and she believed in what being a good cop meant. She'd bring over rations for me and we would chat.

And what's important about those hellish days when I was struggling with so much was the night I pulled her to me and kissed her. It was desperate and emotional. It was regrettable, except that she hugged me, held me close for a time, and then said, "There are better ways."

_I want you to love me  
__But you'll never love me  
__I want you to need me  
__But you'll never need me  
__I offer these choices  
__You take other roads  
__I offer these choices  
__You run the other way  
__Why do I scare you  
__Why do I want you  
__Come to me  
__Come to me  
__Let me have this fantasy_

"There are better ways," Helena said as she helped Renee from the floor of the alley.

Renee's expression was blocked by the mask she wore as The Question. The faceless detective shook her head, but Helena, as The Huntress, could read the expressionless. She had had some practice with a similar face before.

"I need to get out of this city," Renee said softly. "I hate it here."

"Too many memories?"

"I can't…I can't even-"

"You know, I always thought I was afraid of the light, but I think you're worse off than I am," Helena chided. "You're attracted to her."

Renee shrugged. "Not really, it's the…Redheads have this affect."

"You sound like someone I know when you put it like that." She grimaced and then said, "We have all the information we need. There's nothing keeping us here. I can get us tickets to leave right now."

"Good."

"Just one thing."

"What?"

"Tell me the whole story."

Renee put her hands to her face. The mask disappeared and she took a deep breath. "There isn't a story. There's only a moment that wanted to be a story."

Helena nodded, "Maybe that's the problem then."

"Why are you-"

"I just want you two to get along."

"Do you love her," Renee asked.

"Yes." She paused and then added, "But it's a bit complicated."

"Why?"

Helena grinned and then said, "Because of you."

_We could never have what we wanted  
__We walk in parallel lines  
__And every passion imagined  
__Can only be that  
__We can not touch  
__Oh if I could only have everything  
__I would find myself in your arms  
__And her arms  
__And his arms  
__Would it destroy us  
__With my heart split in three  
__Are these parallel lines  
__All there can ever be_

"You like long hair?"

I turned in my chair and saw Renee sitting in my windowsill wearing a trench coat and a fedora, which means she was out on the job.

I shrugged and then wheeled myself over to her. "It's fun to play with."

"I don't like being played with, Barbara."

"Right. There's a better way," I ask.

"Maybe."

It was dark and hard to read her expressions. The light from the computer monitors made everything seem sinister, and unreal. Part of me wanted to be dreaming. I know I was not.

"Helena and I…" She began and then trailed off to start again, "I'm not sure I love her, but I'm definitely attracted."

"Okay."

"I ran away from you, because you reminded me too much of someone else," Renee said softly. "I have a lot of questions."

"I think that goes without saying," I replied with a smirk.

"Cute." She swung her legs around and moved all the way into the room. "Helena wants something from us, but I'm not sure I can-"

"Then don't," I interjected. "I'm not sure either."

She nodded and stepped closer. "When did this all start?"

I shut my eyes and said, "The first day I met you."

Renee stooped down, leaned in, and brushed her lips against the collar of my shirt. "I'm leaving tomorrow, can you handle that?"

"Yes." I paused and then asked, "What about Helena?"

"She can tell you when she gets here. But I needed…" She shook her head and then said, "I wanted to make sure about something first."

"Oh?"

"Yes. I wanted to make sure we all started on the same page."

End.


End file.
